Dirty Jokes

Nov 23rd 2012
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Ehhhhhem

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.

The Officer: "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

The Man: "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."

The Officer: "Oh, really? How's that?"

The Man: "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

The Officer: "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

The Man: "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
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How do you find a blind man in a nudist's colony?
It's not hard
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off.

The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her.

He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

 "Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

 The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother; he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.
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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
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A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud.
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What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
It's ass
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"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."Brendan Francis.
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What do you do with 365 used rubbers? 
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

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What is the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, they're under a buck.
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What's the difference between a Cowboy hat and a tampon?
Cowboy hats are for assholes
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What's the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn't last forever.
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Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
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A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:
1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.

She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?Cashier: No, you're just really ugly!
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The sad life of a penis

"I only have one eye, my hair is a mess, my skin is wrinkly, my relatives are nuts, my neighbor's an asshole and my best friend's a pussy."
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Dracula asks God "May I reincarnate into a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"

God said "OK, I'll turn you into a KOTEX!"
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A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?"

To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."
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Why didn't the tampons talk to each other?

Because they were both stuck up bitches

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The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"




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