Bar Jokes

Dec 18th 2012
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This guy walks into a bar

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says we don' serve your kind here. The disappointed and thirsty string walks out and gets an idea. He roughs himself up and ties himself in a knot then walks back into the bar. The bartender says hey "Aren't you that piece of string that was just in here" The string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
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This guy walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"
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A shrimp walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, ... but we don't serve food here"
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a martini" he says. The bartender promptly serves up the drink. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron."For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
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Two tubs of yogurt walk into a fancy bar. The bartender says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurts says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
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A piece of corn walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn responds, "I'm all ears!
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A bartender is server a customer who looks very sad and asks "What's wrong my friend?"
The guy responded "I had it all- a beautiful house, money, women"
"What happened" the bartender responded.
"My wife found out!"

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A brunette, redhead and blonde walk into a bar and decide to order drinks
  • The Brunette "I'll have a W and C"
  • Bartender "What's that?"
  • The Brunette " Oh a whiskey and coke"
  • The Redhead "I'll have a G and T"
  • Bartender " Um what is that one?"
  • The Redhead "Oh yes a Gin and Tonic"
  • The Blond "And I'll have a 15!"
  • The Bartender says "and what's that?"
  • The Blonde respondes " oh thats 7 and 7 together!"
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An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"
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A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
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A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
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Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
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A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "Did you know you've got a drink named after you?".

The grasshopper replies "What, Bruce?". 
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here."

And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."
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A pregnant woman walks into a bar, and is soon approached by a guy who says, "Can I sit here with you?

She says, "No, I'm expecting someone."
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A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"

The goldfish says, "Water.”

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Did you hear about the new Hurricane Sandy drink?

It’s a watered down Manhattan 

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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a brandy .............................................................

and coke." The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"The bear responds, "I dunno... I've always had them."

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A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that thebar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later thevoice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over."Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearingthese voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us.”
β€œ
It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."


CategoriesClassic Jokes