Astrologize

Nov 21st 2011
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What's Your Sign?

Ahh the ancient art of astrology and stereotyping! Here are some basics and a few jokes we find funny!

  1. How many (insert sign here) does it take to change a lightbulb?
  2. Questions for God (by sign)
  3. Comments after sex (by sign)

Aires

  • March 21 - April 19
  • The Ram
  • "I am."
  • Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective, Ambitious
  1. Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.
  2. "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"
  3. "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus

  • April 20 - May 20
  • The Bull
  • "I have."
  • Security, Subtle strength, Appreciation, Instruction, Patience
  1. What, me move?
  2. "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."
  3. "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini

  • May 21 - June 20
  • The Twins
  • "I think."
  • Communication, Indecision, Inquisitive, Intelligent, Changeable
  1. 2
  2. "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"
  3. "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer 

  • June 21 - July 22
  • The Crab
  • "I feel."
  • Emotion, Diplomatic, Intensity, Impulsive, Selective
  1. Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
  2. "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."
  3. "When are we getting married?"

Leo

  • July 23 - August 22
  • The Lion
  • "I want."
  • Ruling, Warmth, Generosity, Faithful, Initiative
  1. A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.
  2. "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"
  3. "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo

  • August 23 - September 22
  • The Virgin
  • "I scrutinize."
  • Analyzing, Practical, Reflective, Observation, Thoughtful
  1. One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.
  2. "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."
  3. "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra

  • September 23 - October 22
  • The Scales
  • "I balance."
  • Balance, Justice, Truth, Beauty, Perfection
  1. Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
  2. "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"
  3. "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio

  • October 23 - November 21
  • The Scorpion
  • "I wish."
  • Transient, Self-Willed, Purposeful, Unyielding
  1. None. They LIKE the dark.
  2. "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."
  3. "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius

  • November 22 - December 21
  • The Archer
  • "I see."
  • Philosophical, Motion, Experimentation, Optimism
  1. One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
  2. "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"
  3. "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn

  • December 22 - January 19
  • The Goat
  • "I use.
  • Determination, Dominance, Perservering, Practical, Willful
  1. The light's fine as it is.
  2. "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."
  3. "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius

  • January 20 - February 18
  • The Water Bearer
  • "I know."
  • Knowledge, Humanitarian, Serious, Insightful, Duplicitous
  1. Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?
  2. "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"
  3. "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces

  • February 19 - March 2
  • The Fish
  • "I believe."
  • Fluctuation, Depth, Imagination, Reactive, Indecisive
  1. What light bulb?
  2. "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."
  3. "What did you say your name was again?"


CategoriesBrain Teasers , Characters